But there must’ve been a Mordor canteen, yeah? There must have been a cafeteria in the mountains, in between battles, where Sauron could just chill and go down…
SAURON: I will have the penne all’arrabiata.
WORKER: You’ll need a tray.
SAURON: Do you know who I am?
WORKER: Do you know who I am?
SAURON: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Sauron, Lord Sauron, the Base Master of Treachery. I can kill you with a single thought.
WORKER: Well, you’ll still need a tray.
SAURON: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of dark sorcery, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.
WORKER: No, the food is hot. You’ll need a tray to put the food on.
SAURON: Oh, I see the food is hot. I’m sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.
WORKER: A fight to the death? This a canteen, I work here.
SAURON: Yes, but I am Lord Sauron. I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I’ll get a tray, fuck it. This one’s wet, and this one’s wet and this one’s wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of Mordor do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first!
[an orc enters]
ORC: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … oooh, penne all’arrabiata. That’d be very nice.
SAURON: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?
WORKER: That’s George Sauron, that is!
SAURON: I am not George Sauron, I am Lord Sauron.
ORC: What? George Sauron who runs the land of Mordor?
SAURON: No, George… No, I run the land of Mordor.
ORC: You George Sauron?
SAURON: No, I’m LORD Sauron.
ORC: You his brother? Could you get his autograph?
SAURON: I can’t get his… No, I’m George… All right, I’m George Sauron! I’m George Sauron.
ORC: Could I have your autograph?
SAURON: No, fuck off or I’ll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all’arrabiata or you shall die! And you and every one in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!
WORKER: Do you want peas with that?
SAURON: Peas! You don’t have peas! You can’t put in right in … you can’t put …it doesn’t work with penne! Unless you push ‘em up the penne tubes and then it’d be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in..